Break Me.

Friends. A universal thing. Everyone has it. Whether you like it or not, someway or somehow, you're bound to have one. Even the Christmas Grinch has one. I suppose there are many types of friends. You have your hi-bye friends, close buddies, best friends, friends-for-life slumber mates, etc.. Not forgetting you may have one or two complicated ones as well. Usually, the complicated friends are the ones who display the most irony. These are the friends that are hazardous to your health (mentally), yet you know that somehow, they are a part of you. No matter how ridiculous they get, you know that you'd somehow take their crap. But...when your head starts to clear out...and suddenly you find..there's a limit to everything. No matter how dear anyone is to you, say your parents, sisters, friends...there is always a limit.

And then comes the million dollar question. Should you suck it all in, or...should you just let go? Then you realize...both ways, you lose. In this cruel game, you never win. But..you suddenly see a loophole. That loophole has its thorns as well. Hmm...you would have to know, to measure, how important that friend to you is. If the importance is insignificant to you, all you have to do is just let go. But..what if, that friend means a lot to you? You don't know why she/he is important, you just know that a part of you will change without that person even though it may only be a small change. Letting go...would hurt. So much that even you're not sure of. If you choose to hold on, it may destroy you and probably the both of you.

I know what you're thinking, just let go. Why the trouble? You're going to lose anyway. Both ways would still hurt. And at this point, my mind drifts back to the start. What have I done wrong from the beginning? The answer hits me like a lightning bolt.

EVERYTHING.

The Turning Point

Finally! It's like a dream come true (not exactly)...My first ever paycheck! =D! And I earned that all by myself, hah! Well, I don't suppose that it's something I can be truly proud of, it's just something that I sorta earned it with my efforts, more or less. Since I started work, it hasn't been hectic, or difficult YET. But now I'm getting the hang of it, and I'm in it for the long haul...I gotta learn fast. Life's been..slightly interesting, now that I have something to occupy my time with, albeit the routine. Yes, I dislike the whole 'daily routine' thing, it's something that I can get used to very fast, and then I can already see my whole future stretched out before me...lifeless and boring. For now, it's okay, since I'm really not doing anything. Everything is starting to slowly evolve, myself mostly, but..there's still one thing that's not evolving and I don't think it will, at least for the next decade few years or so. *frowns*

I've been dying to meet my friends, (ok, so 'dying' isn't quite the right word, hmm) though I see them almost every week now. Still, I suppose it's the only...er..key? For me to realize that I still have that bit of freedom with me. Other than that, you might want to think that I feel like a little birdie, still trapped in that golden cage and almost oblivious to the wide world out there.

Have you ever feel like you desperately want to grow up quickly? I used to hate the idea of growing up. I've always wanted to stay as I am, and in the comfort of my parents' protection, never needing to worry about anything at all, maybe except school. And THEN, I started growing up! To my dismay at that time. I didn't want to be old, or have to worry about being old, and worry about every other thing that evolves around me! Again, to my dismay (or shall I say good fortune?) I start to see things in a different light, and found that growing up has its advantages. I start appreciating the good ol' brain that's been with me all these years, and I try to learn to see without judgement. Of course,I have to admit, it wasn't easy at first, especially since I've been brought up in a society that (whether you like it or not) judge people, and quite sternly at that too. Of course, when there's a will, there's a way and so, I sorta kinda pushed the judgement part of me aside and see things in a neutral way. Of course, the judgement part has its pros and cons, but if I ever have to judge someone, I would certainly prefer to judge one by learning about that person than to judge simply by the cover, won't you agree?

And so, back to the point that I was trying to make, but as usual, I got distracted. One part of me is feeling the need to be free. Free to make choices, free to make mistakes, and free to learn from the mistakes I made. But..when you have parents like mine, (not saying it's a bad thing), they'd wouldn't want you to make mistakes at all, they'd want to protect you from any if possible, and try to make their child's life as perfect as it can be. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I was a spoiled brat, I wouldn't quite care at that point. Well, I guess life's unfair. You will never truly get what you most desire. Nothing can be done, except be thankful and content with all that you have now. I believe, when you find contentment, you'll find what you truly desire. Contentment. *winks*

"Enjoy youth while you can", they say. But I wonder...how can you truly enjoy it..when you know that you're still trapped in the protective, comfortable, golden cage?